CLEARing Shame

The Scene

 

Thomas avoids walking past the window.

He knows how it looks.

The loosened gut.

The slouched shoulders.

The extra years written across his face.

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He’s not vain.

He’s just… tired of flinching every time he sees himself.

 

It’s not about wanting to look young again.

It’s not even about weight.

It’s about what the image seems to say:

that he’s let something slide...not his appearance, but his discipline.

His pride. His dignity.

 

He tries to shake it off, but it lingers.

 

That quiet voice:

What happened to you?

 

This is shame: not guilt for doing wrong, but the sting of being wrong.

Of having failed to live up to who you were...or who you were supposed to be.

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We’ll walk through Thomas’ thoughts using the CLEAR method, one step at a time.

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The Claim

 

Shame doesn’t always announce itself.

It often shows up as a half-formed sentence that hovers in the mind...quiet, but cutting.

 

In Thomas’s case, the thought sounds something like this:

“I’ve let myself become someone I don’t respect.”

 

That sentence, whether said aloud or not, is what’s doing the real damage.

It’s not just a judgment of his actions, but a condemnation of his identity.

 

It doesn’t leave room for change.

It labels him.

 

And that’s what we’ll work to challenge.

 

 

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The Lie

 

Shame often brings a mix of distortions: false beliefs that shape the thought into something heavier than it deserves to be.

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Let’s look at how they play out in Thomas’s case.

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Labeling

This is the heart of the shame thought.

Thomas isn’t just acknowledging that he’s struggled.

He’s calling himself unworthy.

 

The sentence doesn’t say “I’ve made mistakes”, it says

“I’ve become someone bad.”

 

That’s not clarity.

It’s condemnation disguised as honesty.

But if that were true, then any man who’s gone through a hard season, or carried hidden weight, or aged visibly would be permanently disqualified from respect. That’s not Reason. That’s distortion.

 

 

All-or-Nothing Thinking

Thomas believes there are only two options: either you’re disciplined and respectable, or you’re soft and shameful.

But if that were true, there’d be no room for gradual improvement or personal redemption.

Yet some of the most respected men in history were those who fell and rose again.

 

 

Emotional Reasoning

He feels ashamed, so he assumes he must be shameful. But feelings aren’t facts. The body reacts to stories the mind tells...and often those stories are wrong.

 

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The Evidence

 

The thought “I’ve let myself become someone I don’t respect” feels true in the moment.

 

But when we look at the facts, what do we see?

 

Thomas has been through a hard stretch.

He didn’t stop caring...he got tired.

Life changed. His routines broke down.

He focused on others and neglected himself.

Not out of laziness, but out of quiet defeat.

 

And still:

• He shows up to work every day.

• He checks in on his sister when she’s struggling.

• He’s trying, right now, to get a handle on what’s happening in his mind.

 

He hasn’t become a man unworthy of respect.

He’s become a man who needs to remember why he’s worthy of rising again.

 

The evidence doesn’t point to shame.

It points to exhaustion, discouragement...and the first signs of a comeback.

 

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The Alternative

 

The original thought was:

“I’ve let myself become someone I don’t respect.”

 

But a clearer, more truthful thought might be:

 

“I haven’t been at my best lately, but I’m not done. And I can rebuild what matters.”

 

Or:

“This body, this face...this is a man who’s still in the fight.”

 

These aren’t cheap affirmations.

They’re statements of dignity.

Ones that let shame fall away without pretending the pain wasn’t real.

 

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The Role of Reason

 

Reason doesn’t demand perfection.

It just asks for honesty.

 

And in this case, Reason reminds Thomas:

He hasn’t failed beyond repair.

He’s not defined by decline.

He is allowed to grow again.

 

He straightens his shoulders.

Walks past the window.

Doesn’t look away this time.

 

Not because he’s proud of what he sees, but because he’s not ashamed to face it.

That’s the start of healing, not hiding.

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Embarrassment shows up in many forms for men.

It doesn’t always come from appearance or aging.

Sometimes it comes from the gap between who we used to be and who we are now.

So let’s walk through one more scenario, and apply the CLEAR method to find our way through it.

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The Scene

 

Chris used to lead the morning shift crew.

He was the calm one.

The capable one.

When things got messy, they came to him.

 

He’d worked his way up. Not because he demanded it, but because people trusted him.

 

But during the layoffs last year, something broke.

He didn’t lose his job, but he started withdrawing.

Stopped taking initiative.

Let others handle the hard stuff.

Started clocking out mentally long before 5 p.m.

 

Now he’s still employed...but barely.

His boss passes him over.

The new guy gets the assignments he used to lead.

And every time Chris sees his name left off a group message, it lands like a verdict:

You’ve become dead weight.

 

That’s shame.

 

And this is where the CLEAR method steps in again.

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The Claim

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Chris isn’t just frustrated.

He’s ashamed.

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The thought in his head is:

“I’ve let everyone down and I don’t think I can earn back their respect.”

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That sentence is doing more damage than anything his coworkers have said or done.

Because it assumes that once fallen, he can’t rise.

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The Lie

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Chris’s thoughts are shaped by distortions.

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Fortune-Telling

Chris assumes the future is fixed...that respect, once lost, is gone forever. But if that were true, every man who ever stumbled would stay down. That’s fear talking, not fact.

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Labeling

He’s not just admitting mistakes. He’s labeling himself as a failure. But people are not their worst season. And labels are not destiny.

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Personalization

He’s assuming that the team’s distance is about him. But some of it may be routine, circumstance, or even misunderstanding. That’s not evasion...it’s fairness.

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The Evidence

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Chris did check out for a while.

That part’s true.

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But that doesn’t erase everything that came before...or everything he could do next.

 

He used to be trusted for a reason.

He still knows the job inside and out.

Nobody asked him to leave. They just stopped relying on him when he stepped back.

 

And he’s showing up now.

That’s where it starts.

That’s the part shame forgets.

 

 

 

The Alternative

 

Original thought:

“I’ve let everyone down and I don’t think I can earn back their respect.”

 

More honest alternative:

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“I stopped showing up the way I should’ve. But I still can...and that’s what I’ll do.”

Or:

“Respect isn’t owed to me—it’s earned. So I’ll earn it again.”

 

These thoughts don’t erase the past.

They just point forward without carrying unnecessary weight from behind.

 

 

 

The Role of Reason

 

Reason sees what shame ignores.

 

Shame says, “This is who you are now, deal with it.”

Reason says, “This is where you are now, so stand up and move.”

 

Chris doesn’t need everyone’s forgiveness.

He needs his own permission to begin again.

 

And beginning again starts with showing up. Not with perfection, but with purpose.

 

Let shame say what it will.

Let it hiss from the corners.

 

But the man on the Path doesn’t bow to it.

 

He walks.

 

Head up.

Eyes clear.

Shoulders back.

 

Because even if he’s stumbled, he’s still worthy of walking forward.

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