When a Friend Needs to Hear That He’s Wrong

When a friend asks whether he handled something well, it’s easy to hear a second question underneath. Are you on my side? You can answer both questions honestly. A friend who has been unfair deserves a chance to see it while there’s still time to set it right.

Suppose he asks you to back him up after a dispute you witnessed. You heard the other man offer to return the money, and your friend says no offer was made. Say what you heard. If he remembers it differently, hear him out. If he asks you to repeat his version to someone else, you have to answer for what you say. Your loyalty gives you a reason to speak to him directly before the story goes farther.

There are also disagreements about taste, priorities, and judgment where your friend has heard your view and has every right to decide for himself. Before volunteering a correction, ask what he stands to lose from going without it. You may be the only person willing to tell him that a promise is about to be broken. You may simply be impatient with how he spends a Saturday. Those situations deserve different responses.

If the matter warrants a word, speak privately when you can and keep the claim specific. The friendship may be strong enough to bear the disagreement. It will have a harder time bearing the discovery that you agreed with him only when he was in the room.