When Someone Dies Before You Can Make Things Right

“I thought we’d have another chance to talk.” After the death of someone you love, an unfinished conversation can keep returning to mind. You may have wanted to apologize, ask a question, or simply say goodbye. Grief can leave you wondering what you still have the power to put right and what would have depended on both of you being there.

There may be something you can put right with someone who is still here. If you gave a relative a false impression about what the person said, you can correct it. If you made a promise that still matters to someone else, you may be able to honor it. Doing either is worthwhile in its own right, even if it brings no immediate relief from the grief.

Other things depended on a conversation only the two of you could have had. Suppose you meant to ask why the person had pulled away. You may know what you wish you had asked and still have no way of knowing what the answer would have been. That matters when you imagine that one perfectly chosen sentence would have made everything right. An honest attempt would have been yours to make. The outcome would have belonged to both of you.

You can miss someone and still feel hurt by what happened between you. You can also love the person and admit you owed an apology. If there are words you wish you had said, you might write them down in your own voice, leaving the other side of the conversation open. It gives you somewhere to say what was yours to say.