"I Should Be Further by Now"
When the fog rolls in, you can lose track of how far you've come...and start berating yourself for not being further.
What Should Statements Look Like
Should statements happen when you impose rigid, unrealistic demands on yourself, others, or life itself.
You miss a workout and think,
"I should never skip a day.
You struggle to focus and say,
"I should be stronger than this.
A coworker makes a mistake and you think,
"He should have known better.
Instead of accepting life as a process of growth, the mind punishes every imperfection as a moral failure.
This reflection is one stop along the Fog on the Path series. To begin the journey at its true starting point, Start Here.
Why the Mind Slips Into It
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Idealism gone rigid. Wanting to do well is natural, but when ideals turn into hard rules, disappointment sets in fast.
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Self-criticism habits. Many men internalize harsh "shoulds" early, believing they drive strength...but they often drive shame instead.
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Emotional reinforcement. When frustrated or guilty, the mind doubles down on unrealistic standards.
(Many believe these patterns come from emotional learning and cultural pressures toward perfectionism. For a deeper look at where wrong thinking comes from, read Where Wrong Thinking Comes From.)
Reason reminds us:
Growth is gradual.
Progress is not betrayal.
Falling short doesn’t mean failing completely.
The Hidden Price You Pay
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Constant dissatisfaction. No achievement feels good enough because perfection is always just out of reach.
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Crushed motivation. Unrealistic standards make effort feel hopeless or hollow.
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Strained relationships. Expecting perfection from others leads to resentment, impatience, and isolation.
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Guilt and shame. Every shortfall feels like a personal failure instead of a natural part of learning and growth.
When you demand that every step be perfect, you make it harder to keep moving at all.
Working Through It: What Often Helps
Many men find it helpful to check and reset their expectations when they notice "should" language creeping in:
1. Catch the Claim.
Notice when your mind starts using rigid, pressuring words like should, must, or have to.
These thoughts often sound like guidance, but they’re usually demands.
2. Name the Distortion.
This isn’t motivation, it’s a should statement.
It’s not helping you grow. It’s shaming you for not being perfect.
Naming the pattern helps loosen its grip.
3. Examine the Expectation.
Ask: “Is this rule fair? or just harsh?”
“What would I expect from someone I respected in this same situation?”
False standards fall apart when held up to the light.
4. Reframe It.
Shift the inner dialogue:
“I want to do better, and I’m learning.”
“Trying counts more than demanding perfection.”
“Falling short doesn’t mean I’ve failed completely.”
5. Bring in Reason.
Remind yourself: “Growth takes time. Pressure won’t speed it up.”
Step back and ask:
“What would I say to a good man under this same pressure?”
Reason clears the fog by replacing guilt with clarity and truth.
Reason frees you from the tyranny of unreachable demands.
Simple Practice
When you hear a "should" or "must" in your mind today:
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Pause.
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Ask yourself: "Would I say this to a man I respect?"
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If not, reframe it: Instead of "I should never struggle," we can say: "Struggle is the weight that builds real strength."
Treat yourself as you would treat another honorable man:
Push yourself with discipline, not shame.
Correct yourself with Reason, not condemnation.
Closing Thought
When the fog is thick, it's easy to believe you should already be somewhere further ahead.
But Reason reminds us:
A man who keeps walking...even imperfectly...goes farther than the one who stands still, cursing himself for falling short.
Honor the effort. Correct the course.
Keep moving.
Harsh expectations make you feel small. And when people don’t meet yours, the next distortion can twist how you see them entirely.